When I applied for my yoga course in india, I was lost. I was done with all the bullshit, I was done with having my heart broken, I was tired of all the disappointments, I was finished with putting all my hopes and dreams on a person, place or thing. I was exhausted from trying. I wanted to do something for myself. Every time, I tried building with someone I was proven over and over again it wasn’t worth it. I built an empire, trying to include them, only to realize they weren’t worth it. I was left in the same position as I had started, alone. I never realized my biggest mistake. Stop building WITH someone. Build it for yourself, Sam.

I got to india with a bit of a heavy heart, I was questioning what I was doing here, My bed was hard, my shower was cold, the food was vegetarian and slightly resembled jail mush. I wasn’t used to having a schedule and I threw myself into 13 hours a day of lectures, and practise. I was miserable. I was angry. What was I doing here, I was so tired of trying to “find myself” I was sick of being “lost”. We had a lesson that really resonated with me. It was on “happiness”. Our teacher discussed the different between pleasure and happiness. people, places and things are not happiness. They give you a feeling of pleasure but they aren’t happiness. Happiness cannot be taken away. happiness cannot be stopped. Happiness comes from within. Now I knew this all along, but never stopped to really contemplate and differentiate between the two. I thought that the heart racing, butterflies, excitement was pure happiness. I smiled, I loved, I danced, I felt my heart was full. But I was wrong. I used to put so much pressure on myself and my partner to be perfect, instead of loving and excepting them for all their faults. I don’t consider myself a hard person to love, but I was a hard person to be loved by. I knew my faults and you don’t get better until you realize your mistakes.

5 days in nepal

Yoga school 500hours

 

“If I put my happiness in an inanimate object, thats when it can be taken away.”

That was the reason for that empty feeling over and over again. You know when people talk about how they have that moment in their life when they just changed? They stopped being the person they thought they should be, or that they imagined they had to be? Well, that is now. I chose to just be happy. I stopped letting things and people take that from me, they didn’t have the power. I wanted to be happy so I just was. The little things stopped mattering, my anxious mind, slowed down and I breathed, Like really breathed, to the depths of my soul and I forgave everyone and everything that ever hurt me. I decided to never let that happen again. This is my life, I don’t have to take care of anyone, I don’t have to stress over my future, I don’t have to put so much pressure on myself, or my relationship. I stopped looking into the future and really started enjoying the moment, the future will come, its inevitable. but I didn’t want to spend my time living in the future and forget to enjoy the now.

This course is still super hard, Im exhausted, my body is screaming and my mind wanders constantly. But I am taking it slow and steady, day by day, enjoying that pain in every muscle I didn’t even know I had, I take pleasure in the small accomplishments and I forgive myself when I can’t keep my eyes open. I can’t say I have figured out this “happiness thing” It will constantly be an uphill battle, reminding myself of the practise of unattachment. Because, If I detach myself from “things” I will not be upset if they go. They are not my happy. breathe in breathe out, let it flow like water. I am water and, like liquid, I will come and I will go.

Im on my 6th week of school now, I have learned so much and made so many friendships I cherish. So many amazing, independent women, living life to the fullest. Such supportive women who know its ok to cry and to be strong at the same time. I wouldn’t say I feel completely confident to be able to teach a class without any hiccups but it will all come down to practise and experience. This Journey has been the hardest and most fulfilling accomplishment I have ever done with my life. Its made me look deep into my soul to really find my own strength and really discover parts of myself that I forgot existed. I will never fully say I know exactly what I want to do, I still change my mind from day to night, but I do know that I will always follow what brings joy to my life and if I take a wrong turn, I will prosper in the journey of starting over.

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