As I sit here in my bed listening to the monotonous grunting of my flat faced dogs, My mind races as I have so much to say and write. This year has been the most challenging year of my life but, fuck me, has it been the most liberating. I am not the same person I was and you know what, I have never felt more fulfilled. This is the longest I have ever been single for since I was 15 years old. I have never allowed myself to get past the awkward stage of “what the hell do I do with myself all alone?” and well, here I am. Doing it.
I had so much anger and frustration, resentment and remorse and I didn’t know what to do with it. I drank until my thoughts ran dry. That being said, If you have known me before, I didn’t drink. I didn’t need it. I couldn’t handle myself, I couldn’t handle my own emotions, I didn’t appreciate them. I can’t tell you I had this pivotal moment where I just changed, but something about drinking a 60 of vodka till 5 am, crying into a strangers arms and allowing my mind to go back to places I swore I would never think about again, well maybe that was it. I choose not to suppress myself, I choose to express myself. I have always been able to look at my situation at hand and find the good in it, to look at why people do the things they do, why they hurt people, and I reason with that thought and just accept the fact that I had to be the punching bag, the scape goat. Finding solace in the fact they walked away a better person, pushing themselves up by standing on my back.
Maybe it was my last straw, or maybe without my last relationship I would have done it over and over again. I was fed up with getting beat down. I couldn’t understand why, if you “love” someone, you would treat another human in such a way as to mentally destroy them. Its simple. it wasn’t love.
“You know what I lost? Time. Not time wasted on them, but time not given to myself.”
Now I am going to stand up here, for all women, that allow or have allowed themselves to be treated in such a way. One who suppress themselves because of fear of being judged by their partner or peers. Darling, you do whatever the fuck makes you happy. In relationships I would always try to make men comfortable by dressing a certain way, acting appropriate, making sure dinners were made, house was perfect, all my chores were done, blah blah blah. And you know what I lost? Time. Not time wasted on them, but time not given to myself. I worked every single day for years, and never allowed myself the freedom to do all the things I wanted to do with my free time. I didn’t create, I had so many idea’s, expressions, projects that I wanted to do, but just kept putting them off to make my man happy. Its only now that I realize how precious my time is and I choose to be selfish. I have never felt this feeling of contentment, in a relationship. I have never felt the satisfaction I feel after a day of creating, as I did in the ams of another man. Maybe its because I was searching for the praise, someone to tell me I am special, Im different, I’m appreciated, I am validated. But you know what, only you can do that. But not by words, those are just letters grouped together to form sounds, meaningless. Its always actions. I have heard a man say everything under the sun, especially in my line of work. And dear god, there is no sweeter man than that of one who wants to get between your thighs. ( trust me on that one ) But just remember, just because he will fill you, doesn’t mean he will fulfill you. You don’t need someone to complete you, you were born with every fucking thing you need to be whole, I promise you that.
Baby, all I can say is “you do you”. I have chosen not to linger in my self pity. I have always said there is so much beauty in tragedy, look at history, all the most amazing artists created in their depths of mental frustration. situational events creating such beauty through expression. Or like Frank Ocean said “ when you are happy, you enjoy the music, when you are sad, you hear the lyrics. Pain makes us notice and comprehend things, normally over looked. When we search deep, we find what we are looking for.