I wanted to end this years blog posts on a positive note. As I am writing this, its currently Christmas day, Im curled up in my bed, clean sheets, warm pups and a glass of water.
This has easily been the hardest year of my life, They say what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger, well I almost didn’t get stronger. Pills have sat on my nightstand, like a threat every morning. “Get better, Sam, or you will need me”. Some mornings, as the sun shined through my window, all I saw was darkness. Every morning I had a choice, I could wallow in my pain, or I could get up and face it. Some days, I would be a zombie, go everywhere I needed but was never really there. Watching myself, like my own shadow. Listening to my voice responding without asking my head what to say.
For a while I was not ok. I am so grateful to those people who checked up on me. Even when I would ignore them for days. I was grateful for the flowers, the jokes, the deep conversations and a listening ear. I was grateful for the hugs that lasted to long. But most of all I was grateful for the shoulder to cry on. So shoutout to those rocks that kept me from sinking.
“I actually missed myself more than I have missed everything I have ever lost, combined.”
I have never really been single. I have always just loved loving so much, that I would overflow without someone to love and care for. I don’t want to care about anyone anymore. Dating is AWFUL. Useless surface conversations with unintelligent people that can’t respond because they are to busy imagining the circumference of my nipples. I thought I needed someone inside me to make me feel whole again. I thought I could validate my existence if they wanted me. Men only ever want whats inside of me. Contrary to beliefs, Im not that kind of girl.
I read something once that said “when you are lonely, you are actually just missing yourself” I do miss myself. I actually missed myself more than I have missed everything I have ever lost, combined. I loved who I was. That being said, I know that person, I know her very well, I just had to figure out where she was hiding again. Life is getting easier, I am finding balance, I am finding peace. I am finding the confidence again to go forth and seize the day, the month, this next year. Because I fought way to hard in my life to become the woman I am, than to let anyone take that away from me. I will Love again, I will fall so fucking hard I won’t even know how to get back up again. And I will stay there, holding my own hand.