“ Keep running” said my heart, Nothing good ever happens when you stay. And so, I left, again. I never truly know what I am running from, Im not even really sure if I ever find it when I am out there. I packed up my Van, Kissed my mom and papa goodbye and put my foot on the gas. It was weird leaving this time. I have lived in Edmonton for the last 6 years, no family except my four legged loves. I moved my parents out from B.C a year ago and aside from abandoning them, last year, for winter, we have gotten a chance to get to know each other again. Don’t get me wrong, we have always talked but I was only 23 when I left, our relationship was not capable of what we have developed now. In the short amount of time I have gotten to really spend with them, our relationship has grown from parents to best friends. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think this kind of friendship was possible. Maybe it was because I was now trying to mentally deal with the fact that my heart had just been ripped out and stomped on, trying to overcome the realization that someone you loved so deeply could be so deceiving, and the loss and theft of my dog and Rubix’s best friend. I was not the easiest person to deal with in this time of my life and I give my parents credit because not once did they ever falter in their support for me. Im not really one to cry, mope or dwell on things, so I did what I always do, I buried my nose into my work, tried to appreciate everything that I had around me, and focused on the things that made me happy. Family. It truly is an amazing thing, and I slowly realized that I had been lying to myself when I moved from BC to Alberta, telling myself I didn’t need them.
I tried to go back to work, The one thing I knew would feel familiar, But that felt wrong too, I had already mentally quit when I was preparing to move to the UK so returning seemed like somewhat of a failure. I put on a smile, red lipstick, 6 inch stiletto’s and lied to myself about how I was ok with it. It wasn’t long before I knew it wasn’t for me anymore, I was back in my condo and aside from really enjoying living on my own, my job was hindering my happiness. I am a large advocate on “ if it doesn’t make you happy, don’t do it”. So I planned out my next adventure and set an end date, a light at the end of the tunnel to work towards. To save money I moved in with my parents for an estimated 8 weeks and prepared myself for possible chaos. It was a two bedroom one bath condo with my parents, myself and 3 dogs. I had an air mattress on the floor, a few boxes in storage and rented out my condo fully furnished. I was ready. I kept working, using my parents for mental support on the hard days, and I can honestly say I don’t think I would have stayed sane without them. I created a bond with my mom, so strong I finally found out where my weird personality comes from. We collided and realized how similar we really are, we laughed harder than I had truly laughed in a while, she put up with my bullshit and anger because, well, she is my mom, and she has to love me. We had coffee, ran errands, did dog parks and cooked dinners. I was hooked, we talked and cried and listened and shared. We made up for all the years I was a crappy human being to her and all the times she was a shitty mother to me. We understood each other on another level, as women. And not to mention my father, the man who has always stood by my side, no matter how many times I lied as a teenager. He believed in me, my biggest supporter through every bad decision I have ever made. Having an after work smoke with your old man, sitting on the patio, pondering life and all the simple things. I needed that, I needed him, to remind me that boys are stupid and I shouldn’t put up with stupid. He is the calm to my ever-changing storm.
“I am a large advocate on “ if it doesn’t make you happy, don’t do it”. So I planned out my next adventure and set an end date, a light at the end of the tunnel to work towards.”
It was weird leaving, I have never left a place and had someone to leave behind, someone to miss. I wasn’t even really excited about travelling again ( which is not like me at all ) I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do, or if I was even in search of something. I guess I just needed to clear my head and figure out what my next step was. Where I truly wanted my life to go now that I had the freedom. I set off on my way to BC to visit the rest of my family and my best friend. I arrived after about 4 days, taking my time in my new van, enjoying the scenery with Rubix, hitting trailheads and small towns along the way. Spending time with my sister has also changed. My sister and I have never gotten along when we were younger, and even as adults, have taken the completely opposite routes. I would be lying if I said it was easy to find common ground to stand on with her. But as time has passed and we grew up and found the same interests, things changed. The mother she has become is extremely admirable, I just love watching her love those little beings. We are more patient, more understanding, more caring with each other. we confide in each other about life problems. I finally had a real sister.
After my sisters, I headed to the island to see my best friend and her family. We hugged and snuggled, drank and smoked. We had bonfires and heart to hearts. we laughed so hard we became silent, arm slapping, open mouthed retarded seals. For 9 years this girl has put up with all my tears, my heartaches, my loves and my losses. no judgement or frustrations, just love and a confiding ear. I have never had a friend that I could go months without talking to, and pick up right where we left off. Our lives have always been busy, she has two kids, two dogs, a husband and many amazing hobbies to keep her busy, and I have galavanted the globe and am constantly on some random project mission. But not once has our love ever faltered for each other. She is truly my soul mate and we are complete when we are together. She is one of the most kindest, strongest yet softest souls I have ever come across on this earth.
Over the last couple weeks this strange feeling kept coming over me, I kept postponing my trip, pushing further and further, making excuses of things I still wanted to do or see. Then I decided to stick around for Christmas. I wanted to stay, For the first time in my life, I had an overwhelming feeling to sit still. Im not sure if for the last 8 years of my travelling I had been searching for something that was right in front of me. Constantly seeking long relationships for reassurance because of lack of family. I felt so much love in my heart from my own true blood, it was overwhelming. I started re-evaluating my plans, thinking realistically, what going on this trip ( that I had already done last year ) was going to give me. I had nothing to run away from now, maybe my challenge was to find happiness in sitting still, getting grounded, finding my future where Im surrounded by love. My own self love.