“ it must get so hard for you, starting over, again and again”  I would be lying if I said it wasn’t a challenge.  However, there’s always a reward in taking a different road. Im not sure if you remember those “ choose your own ending” books, where you would get to a vital point in the story and you would have two options on how you wanted the story to continue. Those books always took me so long to read, because I could never be satisfied with just one ending. I would go back over and over again, exploring every option until my mind was satisfied with the ending I liked best. Maybe it was some sort of premonition for my life, what would happen if I, quit my job, bought a new house, went to school, loved this person. I like to take chances, risks, some would call them, but always for the better. What if I booked a spur of the moment ticket to India to hide away in an ashram, learn yoga and figure myself out. What if. I have stopped trying to “find myself” I know who I am and I know what I want. There is no shame in wanting everything.

  I am on board my flight now and am about two hours into my next two days in transit, on my way to Rishikesh, India. A million thoughts went through my head when I woke up this morning. “I am really going to do this”. I snuggled Rubix so hard he moaned and I buried my face deep into his neck fuzz. It was a mixture of anxiety, excitement, nervousness and a bit of a sad heart. I was happy where I was, my little place, Rubix, my van, the tree’s, the ocean, yoga, friends, family and a pretty wicked cuddle buddy. Leaving was different this time, I wasn’t just jetting off on another adventure, I was going to be someone. Someone other than an exotic dancer. I was going to school.

21 hours of Seoul

“I took a deep breath, calmed my shaking legs, and lit my cigarette.”

There’s a feeling I like to pretend doesn’t exist in my life. Fear. I try not to be scared of anything that comes my way, anything I need to conquer, anything I want to love. As I pulled up to the airport, it hit me. I took a deep breath, calmed my shaking legs, and lit my cigarette. I stepped out of the van and pulled up my big girl panties. Why could I feel the tears welling up in my eyes, this wasn’t me, I don’t cry. I knew everyone would still be there when I got back, but who would I be? This was it, it was go time, time to grow, get a real woman job. I hate goodbyes, they are what you say when something is ending. Im not good with endings, endings of books, endings of relationships, ending of love, and mostly, the ending of my bag of Hawkins cheesies. I know they are inevitable, but why do they have to be so hard. I prefer to look at them as a pause, with the thought that things will still be there when the time is right. Maybe its my own issue with letting things go, maybe I always want to hold tight to that feeling of the beginning. when everything is new and exciting, when the possibilities are endless in the way they might develop. I try not to live in the past, only looking back to remember the good, being thankful for what came into my life and the growth it gave me, to become the person I am today. I have tried to live my life with no regrets, to be proud of the woman I have become, knowing that every experience, though sometimes painful or hard, has built up the strength to accomplish what I am working towards.

Its not me to book a return flight before I even arrive ( well it is but I usually cancel or continue to postpone them for 6 extra months, until I am done running ) but Im actually excited to come home again, to start a really wicked chapter in my book of life. Im not much of a believer in the words “everything will work out”  no it won’t. things don’t work unless you want them to work, you have to go out and book that flight, work 52 weeks straight to smash that goal, tell that person you love them. things don’t just happen, you have to make them happen, you have to grab what you want and hold on so fucking tight, because its going to take you on the ride of your life. Shit happens, life doesn’t just happen. A life you don’t want will happen and roll by, The life you dream about takes strength, hard work and determination.

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