“I wanted to write about leaving, about leaving him. About leaving pain behind, I wanted to characterize it as an act of bravery; an act of freedom. The writer in me wanted to turn it into something beautiful. It was just leaving, it was just leaving. It was just walking away with a throat full of pebbles, trying not to choke.”
I have struggled with my heart, my head and my pen, about whether or not I wanted to write about this. One side of me, the voice that always tells me “you’re ok”, just wants to bury it deep down, where I hide all my other unwanted emotions. And the other voice, the one thats been silenced for the last 8 months, its screaming to be heard. This blog is not about a heart breaking. Its about breaking a human. Im still putting myself back together, but everything takes time.
I never knew how to love with half my heart, I was all in or all out. I looked past their faults, blaming their old pain for that flaw in their character. I am patient, I was wrong. In those months, I became someone I didn’t recognize, A shell of my former self. I went to India a slightly broken and bitter version of myself, on the mend. I didn’t want love, but like that darkness, my old friend, It found me again. I fought hard until it convinced me, it was “the one”. So there I was, throwing it all in and all away.
In my eyes, Love is kind, love builds you up, makes you feel like you can achieve anything, not just with them by your side, but because of who you are as a perfectly capable human being. This was different. I never understood the true meaning of a narcissist, nor did I understand what mental abuse was until I stood victim to it. And to anyone who has ever stood where I stood, you are stronger than you will ever give yourself credit for. Nothing is safe, not even your thoughts. They dig deep, right into your past, until they have all the ammo they need. ( its a good thing I am so open….) Once they gather all their information, thats when it begins, They will slowly manipulate your words, your thoughts and all your past decisions and experiences. Until you are no longer proud of anything you have accomplished. You are wrong, you are always wrong. And even if one day you might be right, he will find a way to put you back in your place the next day. You are made to believe you are unlovable, and oh so lucky to have their attention. They turn everyone against you, or should I say, turn you against everyone, isolate you so you can only depend on them for your happiness and reassurance. And you do.
“I should have run, just like I had practised doing my whole life.”
They are two people, they destroy you with words, looks, actions, then they build you back up, with apologies, promises to be better, “I Love you’s”, only to hit you harder next time. You live everyday with anxiety, that you are going to do or say something to upset them. You walk on eggshells, you forget who you are because you are no longer you.
I escaped with a small suitcase, a quarter of what I had dwindled my belongings down to when I had moved there. A second heartbeat in my belly and a quiver in my voice. I told no one back home, I was ashamed of what I had let happen to me. I was ashamed of what my hopeless heart had hoped for once again. He didn’t know my plan, He thought I was going to visit, all hell broke out when I asked for 2 weeks back home. He blamed me for everything that hadn’t even happened yet. Sleepless nights full of accusations of scenarios made up in his mind. He killed me till the last second before I shut the cab door.
I should’ve known when he couldn’t love Rubix. I should have walked away in San Diego after begging my sister for help. I should have run, just like I had practised doing my whole life. There is a thousand things I want to say, All the little things I let destroy me, I let paralyze me.
Something in me died, I lost everything in my heart, when I lost what was in my belly.
Its been over a month now, Am I ok?! Well I think thats a very vague question. I mean, on the outside, I look ok, I do yoga everyday, I applied for school, I adopted a dog, I bought another van, I eat… But no, I lost my love for love, I lost my trust, I lost my drive, my creativity, my whole fucking self. But better yet, I lost him, and thats all the start I need to put myself back together again.